Sunday, April 28, 2013

Confessions of a college teenager, observer and sobber.

After an emotional heartbreak that wasn't really a heartbreak because you didn't really love him but you were nice enough to invest time in him and now you regret it because, even though you knew he was an egotistical arrogant fool from the start, you let him pour all these lies over you to then later find out that he takes another girl out to the Spring Fling dance, but as much as you don't give a snuggie about silly college events for the dating scene and you don't really like him anyways and you told him you weren't really in a relationship, somehow --- just somehow you are affected over the fact that he hid it from you that he was accompanying a mutual friend to this 'thing' that you usually wouldn't care less about but the fact that to him and others it has sentimental value, it hurts really really hurts you and you can't find words to describe how you're feeling because you wont really admit that you're feeling this way because that would mean that you let him have power in your life and so you try, again and again and darn it you try again to confront these feelings that annoyingly came about for him, along with the emotions, and the tears and the hurt and the anger and the fire and the desire --- the raging desire to get back at him. All the while, you hold your chemistry textbook close and flick your calculus scrap papers to the side and your civil scale ruler starts looking like an object that you just want to clench and break and throw at the John Lennon poster still crooked on your wall and hanging, then while denting the New York City script across J.L.'s shirt, you remember, well darn it --- it's more like, you hope to remember that there's a world beyond this and you start to miss your family, your silly little brother, your excessively excited puff ball of a dog... so then you blame engineering and contemplate on why you've never been interested in materialism, prom night, senior ball --- and that stupid Spring Fling, then you begin to wonder why all those Business majors get to party every weekend and sleep in every weekday and go out with the guy you've kinda been seeing and get to act like they're having such a good time, a fricken joyful, stress free life with lots of hand outs, practice problems designed for a middle school math class and tons of those bubbly shade-in multiple choice tests!!!!!

Ya hear me?

And at any point of time, if you feel that shadow of doubt, remember it's about you, and always should have been. You have done nothing wrong by being true to yourself. You do not and should not have to compromise your beliefs, values and what shapes you into YOU. If someone has done you wrong, there's no room for buts, sorrys or excuses, if you have not been heard. Speak your mind. Don't settle for any less. Be an advocate for you, first!

You notice how awful this situation really is -- not necessarily for you but for him -- how in attempt to fill up a terribly barren life, he makes a scandalous move to ditch the exotic gal to sneak a date with a (wanna-be) go-go chick to an advertised as 'lively', dreadfully professor-chaperoned, two hour long, sombrero-themed Spring Fling dance. (oh & if you think I'm exaggerating, I'll also note how the photos from this event testify to this detrimental experience: flamingo pink heels, fake lashes, gowns dragging on the sticky cafeteria floors... I kid you not.)

&That's when I begin to laugh and face the emotions and book my post-finals bus tickets to NY and get back to my 50 question practice quizzes and hot glue my ruler and replace my calculator batteries and update my Blogger page and with most certainty say to the Spring Fling flier: hey who's got the power now? I'm a flower-powered engineer!!! I've got it together.

So what to do now?
Be innovative - be creative - upcycle relationships & dispose of any horrendous ones - [check!]

Just some concluding thoughts:
Dear silly boy,
You're not entitled to me, or my feelings, or any reasons to justify how you've done me wrong.

What is that you say? "It's the thought that counts."
You thought about asking me if I was busy this weekend?
Well, yes, I very much am. I'm occupied with this post and more so, detoxing you from my life.
&Maybe you'll think of me when you gulp these reflections.
Did you not know that I'm a blogger too?

the artsy earthen gal that you'll consistently be reminded of in every setting, with every color, with every scent, with every song, with every beat, with every look, with every book, with every person you meet and with every lasting moment of vulnerability.

*Friends & readers: if you thrive on men hating too, please read:

1 comment:

  1. Hi fellow student activist :) I am happy that I came across your blog! I am always happy to find others who are working hard to make a difference-- keeps me inspired! Keep up your amazing work!